By Susan Ritchie
How would you react if someone regularly called you by the wrong name?
There are a range of responses out there I’m sure…but I wonder if any of you would have handled it the way I did?
In my early 20’s, my first job after University was with a local authority.It was in the days when money was no object and we had a tea lady who came round the offices every morning with her trolley, and proudly remembered not only everyone’s names, but how they took their tea and what they preferred for their sandwich order and so on.
My last name in those days was ‘Rose’, which she understood to be part of my first name, and began calling me ‘Sue-Rose’. She also started putting two spoons of sugar in my tea; I hate sugar in tea.
For some baffling reason, I chose not to point out her mistakes and let both things continue.
I worked there for three years.
And for three years she called me Sue-Rose and gave me sugar in my tea daily.
I look back now and giggle. What a perfect example of passive behaviour! Why didn’t I speak up? I tell myself that I wanted to save face on her part, that there was no harm done really…and maybe for me and that example there wasn’t. Although goodness knows what everyone else in the office thought every time she called me the wrong name! Passive communication is where we feel our own needs, wants and rights take second place to those of others.
Age may also have paid a part; sometimes when we’re young we don’t understand how to be assertive and instead adopt an aggressive style. An aggressive communication style is one that ignores the rights and feelings of others. Some young people can be easily intimidated by older people they perceive to be more experienced and influential. (Understanding that we have rights, and a we have a right to express them is something I’ve often thought we need to educate young people to do properly. In fact, it’s one of my projects for this year.)
My own example has left no long-term consequences, apart from a rather puzzling source of amusement to me. But there are plenty of other situations where being passive at work can have far more devastating consequences;.
- Standing back and allowing someone else to take credit for our achievements
- Remaining silent during meetings and having to go along with decisions you don’t agree with
- Being the person who gets all the unpleasant tasks delegated to ‘because we can trust you to do them properly’
- Getting a reputation as the person who will stay late to finish ‘those’ tasks
- Being overlooked for promotion
I’m sure there are plenty more examples you can think of.
Assertiveness is feeling confident enough to stand up for your rights and express your feelings, whilst acknowledging the rights and feelings of others. It’s about leaving both parties feeling ok about the conversation that has just taken place – the win-win.
I also think it’s about being productive at work; not everyone we meet at work will be someone we really like, but at the very least we need to be able to have a working relationship with them that is productive. And an assertive communication style is one that will stand the best chance of allowing this to happen.
For a lot of people assertiveness simply means being more in control, either of a situation or with a specific person or group of people. It’s not about putting on your super-hero pants and fighting every battle you meet. I would argue that we tend to have a default setting in terms of behaviour/communications style; for many this may well be passivity. There will, however, be certain triggers that push our buttons and we react in certain, habitual ways. Part of being assertive is learning to ‘unlearn’ those reactions and instead choose a more considered response.
Assertive communication is something that can be learned and over the coming weeks I’ll be discussing a variety of ways to do this.
For now though, who else has behaved in very unassertive ways in the past? I’d love you to add your stories to mine 🙂
I’m Sue Ritchie and I help organisations, teams and individuals to be more productive in the workplace. I do this by helping them improve their confidence and communication skills!
If you’d like to find out how I could help you, give me a call on 07801502743 or email sue@youtimecoaching.co.uk